the pool opens at 11. by 1115 the ambulance had been called.
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
It's like, I'm the official vagina for that DJ group
my vagina has been out of service for wayy too long... this semester needs to start like right now
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
I woke up with the gnarliest cold/hangover combo
Thats what u get when u have butt ass naked rooftop sex at night in december
Worth it.
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
I want you to defile me in my childhood bed.
Randomize
