Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
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