I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
Reading in my econ of energy textbook about the US' largest oil spill from the 1990's.. guess i can't sell this one back either
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
I got my project done and a booty call in all before 1am. I'm a professional college kid.
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
Dicks are not precious.
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
sam was dropping a deuce next to me. wrote me a note that said "glad we shared this experience." passed it under the wrong stall. the other guy picked it up. that's all I know so far.
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