I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
Just had a serious discussion with my ex-boyfriend about sexy nurse vs. sexy teacher. So score one for friendship I guess.
How did it feel to just observe all the people blacking out usually you're on the other end of things
I felt like I was at the zoo
I like that you use a Disney movie to describe the starting of our BDSM relationship, lmao
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
Randomize
