I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
Gay walks of shame are so much more Amy Winehouse than straight girls
i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
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