I'm pants shitting drunk right now
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
Shared a jello shot with her mom last night. then she tucked me in and took of my shoes for me
well what is some mechanical horse racing with out blow involved
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
Correction: *I* watched JoJo's Bizarre adventure while he snored asleep on me cock still fully inside me.
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
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