I'm laying in your front yard are you home
So I walked out of my room and there was my brother....standing naked
I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
Also my roomates are going to be gone till sunday. Make correct decision here
Quit calling your parents your roomates
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
sex on a bike is impossible
challenge accepted
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
Randomize
