Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
no. i seriously look so gross with this sunburn. i wouldnt even wanna bang myself. and im really into myself.
The night ended with a lot of tears and everyone singing along to Willenium
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
The object of the game was to pour tequila into a sombrero and drink as much as you can before it leaked through, 'Big Papi' won.
To confirm, you are a grown ass man and you just asked me what her vag looked like.
FIND ME A DICK TO RIDE THAT HOPEFULLY IS ATTACHED TO A CUTE PERSON AND NICE PERSONALITY
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED. Is it okay if I only get 2 out of 3?
The D is nonnegotable.
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
I just want a boyfriend who will have sex to Disney Pandora.
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
I'm going to use this quarantine time to improve my blowjob skills.
Randomize
