**** and his GF asked me to give his stuff back, and they would give me a 100. HA, they dont know I have it to charity haha
just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
hes duct taped to the wall and we're throwing eggs at him. i love thirsty thursday.
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
40s are totally the cure
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
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