She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
We shall study the pictures later and see if his penis is worth my time.
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
I would climb him like a jungle gym. Enthusiastically and creatively.
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
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