i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
i just used a pokemon card to do blow. i need an adult. now.
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
For someone who claims to be straight, she knows a hell of a lot about bi erasure, and one Hayley Kiyoko song too many
I was just seen throwin up on the bookstore building near a trashcan by parents. Naturally I throw a thumbs up and say go college
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