Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
btw im using a cooler as a purse cause i love string cheese
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
I'm spoon feeding myself tequila for breakfast, should we skip class today?
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
Because the guy guy doing the drawing either wanted to bone, or wanted us to stop entering the contest. Either way, we got concert tickets so I'm cool with both scenarios.
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
Randomize
