I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
But besides the pee thing, he sounds like a nice guy.
as much as i want to say no i cant cause i need the trophy wife training
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
He shit in the fireplace
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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