rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
I feel great
I just peed on a car
First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
She made a guy cry in the bar. I will have her, oh yes, I will have her..
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
Randomize
