You compared your dick to a twizzler. In no way, shape, or form is that a turn on.
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
Your lack of great college experience of margaritas and foam parties scares me
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
Just let me suck your dick and be happy. Let me have this.
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
Randomize
