Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
At one point, he came in to give her a pep talk, and then after he left, she just kept whispering his name into the toilet between heaves.
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
