I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
I am growing concerned with the number of people here in cowboy hats
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
Okay Im still jerking off but now with the Reality of Law School Looming In The Distance
It's like the cookie assaulted me with being high.
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
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