I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
making an appointment with student health services to check out my pinkeye on 4/20. they are going to thing this is such a joke
Isn't that the only thing she's good at? Complaining and blow jobs?
Whoa, Gary Coleman died
Whatchu talkin bout?!?!
Too soon.
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
Fuck. Totally just had sex instead of studying for econ test in an hour. Gonna get fucked again. HELP ME WITH YOUR EXTENSIVE KNOWLEDGE OF ECON
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Randomize
