I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
Next time, showing us his dick should be his entry fee into your house.
hahaha lucky. I'm fishing with some dude I just met when I woke up next to the mohawk river
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
Randomize
