Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
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I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
wasted. watching meteors, awesome idea i ever had, see 2 for every 1 with ma double vision
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
dude you had a hot girl interested and took shots together, as soon as it went down the hatch you upchucked on her entire existance..
successful birthday. 2012 rules
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
I'm not gonna lie. I'm a little scared.
Good. The Jell-O shots look great.
I feel like I had a successful night. I flashed the guy at the liquor store last night for 2 free tshirts and a giant redbull.
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