mark tries to be a total badass to make up for the fact that he's a poor man's pete wentz
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
Homegirl just dropped a candle on the floor major party foul. Thought it make you feel better.
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
Randomize
