Singing into hair straightener during spice girls....sooo dangerous
Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
What is the pluralization of human? I just got humen rejected, and I am going completely blank...
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
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