I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
Nope changed our mind. Decided your strange bacon like body odor wasn't what we want to smell tonight.
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
I wish there was some sort of "recently added" function for blackberrys so i could see what random numbers i got from the night before
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Although I commend your efforts to keep my penis away from her, your sister is now booty walking up my stairs. Good game though, good game.
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
Randomize