Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
She sent me a pic of shot glasses on fire if that tells you anything
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
Well you wanna do it now or later? I've had three shots and I'm listening to journey by myself. Emotionally there is no better prime time than right now.
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
He keeps bees of course he's weird
Idk I was embarrassed that I hit it too hard so I played it off by spitting out bong water like a 'whales blowhole'
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
Randomize
