I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
WHEN DID YOU SAY YOU COME BACK BC I GOT INVITED TO A KEG WAR PARTY
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
Okay so.. What's with me and guys who have more than 2 nipples
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
Sex to movie scores is my best choice of the year. You've had an orgasm but have you had an orgasm with an entire orchestra.
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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