I don't wanna do a drive in or see a movie tonight. I wanna play some Golden Tee and butt fuck a girl in the bathroom of some bar and proceed with Golden Tee
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
If she has AMC, I may have to fuck her today. I want to catch up on the walking dead.
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
For a pair of gay men you destroy a lot of vagina.
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
My day in three words: secret purse cake
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
My life is pants optional.
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