enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
At least our walk of shames never included a bag of chips and a jar of queso..
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
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In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
She is ok w me having sex for money. Just gotta find rich grandmas.
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
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He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
Good news. His dicks gotten wayy bigger since high school. I love Thanksgiving break.
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
Sex while Star Warsing is the best
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