Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
After he finished I threw up my arms and shouted STEVE HOLT!
i think beer pong is the only time ive ever found a use for geometry
Its name is Richard. And I think he formally introduced us.
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
I hope your lack of response means you're banging, not talking about her purity ring.
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
Fun. You missed it. Michael broke a door with his erection.
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
Randomize
