Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
he was actually really polite. he asked before he came on my chest because he "wasn't sure my stance on it".
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
I am currently eating pure cake frosting...I am not sure how I was ever referred to as a responsible adult.
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
So high I started crying because I was proud of Snoop Dogg for becoming Snoop Lion
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
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