I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
Just saw a man in a wheel chair using his feet to push himself backwards through a crosswalk... good morning Atlanta
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
Just break the ice by asking who had to take plan b this past semester
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
My husband found the cock ring I bought my FWB. I told him it was napkin holder and he believed me. And that’s why I need a side dick
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