So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
I think I may be stoned foreverrrrrrrrr. The earth has been around for a long time.
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
Some poor guy found you passed out in a bathroom stall. Again with your dick out. Looks like you got to rage after all.
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
You just thought it would be a good idea to show your penis to your best friend. No harm, no foul.
Randomize
