dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
it was like having sex with a tree stump
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
He said he loved me more than Kel loves orange soda
the result of growing up in the '90's
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
Yeah. Broke it off. Saw her cheating after she forgot to turn her zoom off. Ring=$$$. Not making that mistake-priceless
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