Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
it wasn't a normal cookie, i figured that out 45 minutes into my exam
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
I already popped my bottle of Rose and took my boxers off. No can do muchacho
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
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