I don't remember. Are we still dating?
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
I introduced him to the male G-Spot. Don't ever tell me I'm not experienced.
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
Also the McRib is back. Lets get high, dress like cowboys, and eat some McRibs.
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
Damn, I just did coke with a dude in a bathroom and after he took his dick out right in front of me and took a piss. What a power move.
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