Dude, you posted a cap of a porn to survey if it looked like me. That's pretty certifiably creepy.
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
Is it okay that we fucked on my car hood, in his driveway, at 4 am with cars passing by ?
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
Randomize
