Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
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There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
she said she walked into the kitchen and i was sitting ass naked on the floor chugging her parents vodka.
I'm sorry I did drugs then got really loud and bitchy at your party and judged your choice in one night stands.
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
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Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
nyquil+orgasm=very intense and oddly interesting
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
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