are we going to glenview for practice??
(3 hrs later) aids
where r u? what is story? im way too high right now
That's why girls suck all the time. Blah blah nag nag drama drama buy me things but I won't touch your penis
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
also i don't know what you guys ate last night but he broke the toilet
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
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