When I went to court, my judge's name was Honorable Ball. I couldn't stop laughing.
that probably didn't help your case.
seeing an 80 year old woman puke in the bushes changes everything...
that's spring break in florida for ya
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
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Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
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The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
Like the fear of satan was put into my heart when I saw him put that sandwich on the WOODEN BENCH
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
If you don't respond in the next 30min, I'm going to assume your in a sex coma, in jail, or dead... All of which I've become accustomed to, and will follow the appropriate channels of notification once you notify me.
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
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