I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
Do you ever think that bumblebee is the gay transformer?
Every day of my life.
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
of all places to pass out....why right in front of our RA's door? OF ALL PLACES.
nope, if she's going to skank it up with ginge-a-saurus douche she deserves the silent treatment.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
Ice cream: Good. Fraternity: Good. Eating ice cream off a Skid Row bum's ass crack in order to get into a Fraternity: Homoerotic at best. I quit.
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
Rumble strips road head = magical
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
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