Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
evidently tequilla and lady gaga make me flirt and grind shamlessly with other men infront of my boyfriend.
You found a girl to hook up with at a gay bar?
No. His name was Paco. I didn't get it by choice. I never had a hickey before.
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
just printed out my drug dealers resume for him. guess the ecstasy scene slows down when kids move back home for the summer...
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Randomize
