I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
My RA just tried to write me up for having sex too loudly during quiet hours.
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
Please don't drown this weekend. It would be a shame to lose a dick like yours.
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
sooo trippy being back in town after 5 years. if you had asked me in high school who would be future coke heads, i would have been way off
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
Randomize
