allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
I feel like if I were on Intervention, I would have to be a season finale.
season finale of lost and an oz of weed. tonight my mind is going to be blown.
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
The power of my boobs compel you
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
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