Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
Randomize
