I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
Just watched my manager erase "we've been 2 days wo an accident" and change it to "0" these ppl are too high.
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
Yours weakened by children. Mine weakened by a forearm sized cock for 8 years.
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
Glow Paint looked great for the Black Light Party last night, Tonight having a glow in the dark Pizza on my arm, not so much.
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
He's the one named Andrew. In his profile picture he is the one on the right in the monkey costume.
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