Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
Well, i'm not sure how that works so i wish both you and your vagina luck on your voyage.
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
Randomize
