I cant take that shot because i want my penis to stay hard.
Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
trent lit his nipple on fire and said "i am the only highlander"
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
I fucked the bump it out of her hair. just had to let everyone know.
I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
I look like one classy bitch running in heels through my backyard while carrying a small dog and a large bottle of booze. How am I still single?
Seems like you've kicked summer 2012 off well.
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
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