The bar is filled with bros right now. Sucks I had to pay $5 to find that out.
Is it weird if i grunt like Tim Taylor when im having sex AND grilling steaks??
My Higher Power is John Stamos
we've started having sober sex
you really do like him
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
Btw...pregnancy boobs are amazing. I don't recommend pregnancy in general but the boobs are good.
I just got back to our room ....neither of us spent the night there but both our beds are occupied. send help.
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
Randomize
