My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
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