can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
she just refered to her hymen as "the mrs"
well, it ended with me crying outside the strip club saying i don't want to be 21 anymoree. i'd say it was a great 21st birthday.
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
Now some guy that's in my phone as " Alex lip ring hot" is texting me and I don't where life is taking me
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
Randomize
