I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
His facebook says he is a fan of "underwater handjobs"
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
does doing it on an automatic sink count as shower sex?
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
I'm not trying to take your husband away from you, but can we have another 3way soon? I'm just desperate for good dick.
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
Randomize
