I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
zippers are such a cool invention
I am midnight drunk by noon
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
I'm afraid you are becoming too bourgeois with your switch from boxed wine to bottled.
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
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