I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
so then they started chanting "LET'S GET A LITTLE BIT SCHWASTED. S-H-W-...WASTED!" theres nothing like partying with former high school cheerleaders
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
A total of 3 guys left my apartment this morning. That was my first clue to my black out endeavors last night. Gotta love wine Wednesdays.
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
