Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
I remember it because it was right after the sadness and right before the sluttiness. The calm before the storm if you will
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
Randomize
