I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
we turned studying into a drinking game, she drinks when she gets it right, i drink when she gets it wrong. so we'll be out soon
Just don't lie down.. Throwing up upwards is NOT cute the second time.
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
So will your sis find it a compliment if I tell her I lost out on some awesome dick to go to her bday dinner???
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
Randomize
