I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
Just want to apologize again for asking to spot your form in the shower.
Tent sex on an air mattress requires balance and flexibility. Not for the faint of heart
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
is that a dick in a sweater?
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
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