I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
You were force feeding yourself jello and you kept repeating, "I will not surrender"
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
You bet your firm but soft ass I miss you
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
Randomize
