So apparently I told him I was off to go "whore skipping" and I disappeared into the night skipping down the street. I know this because there's video.
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
Shame - the story of my life.
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
