I think I just got seasick
you're not on a boat
he has a waterbed.
this is a family affair. You're an embarrassment.
whatever it's not my family
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
okay, please tell me Cammy is the one who put the picture and note on my desk saying "beat off to this homeboy"
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
So this bar tattoo not looking that great now
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
Randomize
