Getting fucked up met up rando with a girl I confesswed my love for last night. weird, going with it
so he came on my face and then proceeded to say "that was just how i imagined it would happen"
where do you find these guys?
he was fingering the outside of my pants..i knew that was my cue to leave
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
At least is you came to Milwaukee to visit me you'd get the best mind blowing sex of your life and free wifi. Who doesn't want free wifi!
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
If you can't have hot, loud sex in a dorm for the last time ever, what can you do in this world?
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
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