It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
RIGHT?!?! I'M ACTUALLY UPSET I DON'T GET TO MAKE THE 2.3 MILE TREK TO SUCK HIS COCK, yes I google earthed it.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
underwater hpnotiq shots? sure why not.
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
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