I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
I wore a leash I'll tell you about it later I had a fantastic time
Nothing like a marijuana chart of usage in each country to make me understand math.
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
I think once you know a guy's chest measurements the stalking has gone too far..
So the guy I hooked up with during welcome week just tried to booty call me from across the lecture hall at 9am. I don't think he gets how this works...
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
It's pretty self explanatory. You tried to have sex on the hood of a car in front of everyone
Not sure what you smoked, but you put raw bacon on the lazy Susan and spent 45 minutes looking at it and mumbling Meat Spin
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