mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
Hands down, the girl passed out in the bathroom was the best looking. Concious or not.
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
he proceeded to grab my vagina through my leggings in the middle of the dance floor. strangely enough I was okay with it
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
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