HOW IN THE HELL DID YOU BLOW A .24?????
We were watching I'm a celebrity get me out of here and taking shots every time heidi said HALLELUJAH, and started spraying her hair with that stupid dry shampoo shit....and we only watched the last half hour.
This guy has a retainer. We're golden.
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
dude he's still passed out in my bathtub. and his dick is half way in a 40 bottle... i really hope he was just trying to piss in it
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
my experiences serve only to benefit you young virgin
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