he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
Stripping out of my teacher clothes to Talk Dirty to Me. Who let me become a teacher?
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED
She was cute in her own little way. Shit, free taco's makes anyone hot.
I can tell that I'm high when listening to celine dion becomes such a life changing experience
I was peer pressured into smoking weed by a bunch of LGBTQ teenagers
Randomize
