The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
meow
WTF. STOP SENDING ME ANIMAL NOISES. ITS FUCKING WEIRD.
so i turned around to do some reverse cowgirl when he said that this was such a better visual for him. Bad compliment or serious insult. i cant tell
You never go ass to mouth. That's quite possibly the most important rule Paramedic school has taught me.
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
i'm not saying you're gay. i'm just saying all my gay friends think you have a great ass.
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
If I send you a picture of a dick will you give me your honest reaction?
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Randomize
