I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
i was just skypeing her and i saw the vagisil medicated wipes in the corner of her room. i'll be breaking this off tomorrow
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
I heard that if you win you get to have sex with me. You guys really need to stop wagering my vagina.
he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
i don't know when underwear became an acceptable clothing choice for parties, but god help me i hope this isn't a passing trend.
she hand cuffed me to the bed naked, jumped off the dresser naked, hit her head on the fan and knocked herself out. when her mom came home i had to call her for help, she could have died man...
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
