i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
come on down! you are the next contestant on the night is drunk!
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
hiding in a bush to avoid a seven dollar cab ride. cabby got out a flashlight and looked for us for like an hour. help.
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
This is like a relationship, I expect to be mind blown at least once a week.
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
I think I may have walked up to her while she was with her friends and asked for a "do over".
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
He got me off while watching hockey. He's a keeper.
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
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