Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
I gave you head at the stadium on a Thursday night ESPN game. That damn well better be worth points on the score board!!!
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
He tripped and fell all the way to the ground and then stood right back with out spilling a drop of his 3/4 full glass of rum and coke. It was like watching something from the matrix
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
i just really want to fuck a guy wearing lederhosen
it'll be sexier than it sounds, i promise
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
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